


"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything"

by ghostea



Series: Delimpcol's Rare Pair Creation Challenge Fics [7]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Hunt Gone Wrong, Love beats death, M/M, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-01
Updated: 2016-10-01
Packaged: 2018-08-18 21:10:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8176177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghostea/pseuds/ghostea
Summary: "It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything" - Fight Club
Lucifer has lost a lot in his life, he just wasn't prepared for this.





	

**"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."** Lucifer pondered the quote. Sam had loved the book and the movie and had shown great joy in sharing these things with Lucifer. Sam wanted to share everything with Lucifer, from his favourite books to places he liked to visit, memories both good and bad. Sam was not a man who had a lot but had been willing to share it all with Lucifer without question. Lucifer had been doing this for hours now. Re-playing every moment he ever had with Sam over and over again. Lucifer didn’t agree with this particular quote. In theory it was a nice thought but in reality it was not so. Lucifer had finally lost everything. 

Lucifer curled his vessels fingers into the morning damp, soft earth by his sides, the grass tickling in between his fingers, the air heavy with the stench of smoke and burning. He could taste the ash on his tongue. His wings burnt away at the ground beneath them, Sam would be appalled, they had grown healthy and strong again when Lucifer allowed them to heal with Sam’s help. Sam seemed to always be trying to help, most days it seemed to be him helping Lucifer and Dean not tear each other apart. Dean, it should have been- no, no Sam would never have lived if that happened. Dean had approached him slowly, like one would a dangerous animal, Lucifer supposed to Dean he was nothing more than just that. A dangerous animal that had been far too enamoured with his little brother for Dean’s liking.

_‘I’m sorry’_

The hunter’s words still rang in his mind like a broken record. Even after hearing the same words in the same tone in the same voice a thousand times Lucifer still couldn’t decide if they were sincere or not. 

_‘I’m sorry’_

Dean himself was destroyed beyond repair. There was no way to retrieve his brother from death now, not after how they broke the rules of death one to many times. Dean’s current solution to this was to try drown himself in liquor and spirits with higher percentage of ethanol than was safe. Those escapes would do nothing for Lucifer, the alcohol burned out of his system almost immediately as it touched his lips.

_‘I’m sorry’_

Lucifer hadn’t been with Sam like he should have been, he’d been back at the bunker reading that god damn book that Sam was so happy to share with him, he didn’t even hear a prayer. It had caught Sam unaware and killed him so swiftly that Sam didn’t even have a chance to resist against it. It was meant to be a simple ‘milk run’ as Sam and Dean called them. They would both be back within the week and Sam could smother Lucifer with the kisses he didn’t get to give him whilst away. They didn’t need Lucifer’s angelic help, it was just a werewolf. Just a werewolf. Lucifer liked to poke at them both when they forgot their own mortality, with Dean it was funny but with Sam it would send him into distress and Sam would have to coax Lucifer out of his panic and depression.

One time it had been after a hunt where ‘they didn’t need Lucifer’s angelic help’ and Sam came back with several broken ribs and a new scar. His breathing had been wheezy at best and Lucifer had healed him as soon as he noticed Sam’s ailment. Lucifer had flipped off the wall at that and clung to Sam’s side for months until Sam had calmed him down enough not to breath down his neck every second of every minute of every hour of every day. Sam had been so soothing about it all. That Sam’s death wouldn’t come for years and then when it did Lucifer could be there with him and they could go together or Sam could stay down here with him, it would be fine. 

They would be together, forever. 

They hadn’t planned on the reapers holding a grudge against the nine-lived Winchesters and dragging him away as soon as his soul left his body. Lucifer pondered where they had taken Sam’s radiant soul. To him Sam deserved more than Heaven but Heaven was possibly the best option available to Sam, even with all the angels routing against him. The angels had strict rules about the souls there and he hoped they dare not break them.

Lucifer’s mind turned back to the quote that had been irking him for hours, distracting him from his hollowness, his indescribable pain that screamed and dragged its bleeding nails along the sides of Lucifer’s heart, grace and mind, pulling the pieces apart and chewing them with teeth of jagged glass.

**"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything”** Lucifer didn’t feel particularly free. He felt lost. He was lost without Sam. With Sam he was free, or at least, enjoyed the freedom he had because he could share it with the one person who still loved him and who he loved in turn.

Now he was free but he was alone. He was free to do anything, anything at all. But all of it was pointless without Sam to gaze in wonder at the auroras and wildflowers, pour over and devour ancient tomes and scrolls, laugh in euphoric bliss as Lucifer flew them through the skies, whisper praise and love to him over skin and soft pillows. Sam had given and shown him so much and vice versa but he wanted- _needed_ to give Sam more, let Sam willingly give him the love and devotion he wanted to give. Life was nothing without Sam. Sam was his life, the reason and meaning behind all he did these past few years. It had been perfect. 

He was free to do anything.

Anything.

But what would he do?

Without Sam it all seemed so worthless.

He was free to do anything.

Anything.

But Sam gave it reason and life and meaning.

Anything.

Without Sam, he didn’t want to live.

Anything.

Sam, he wanted- _needed_ Sam.

Anything.

Lucifer slowly stood up and brushed away the dirt that had collected on his body and shook his more than singed wings. He turned to the pyre and placed a kiss on the make-shift wooden cross leaning in front of it. Lucifer let his mind fade in and out of his happier memories of the time he had spent with Sam and smiled. 

He was free. He could do anything. Anything at all. But Sam also meant freedom but he also meant love and family and joy and everything, _everything_. But Sam was gone, stolen from him in a cruel twist of fate. But he had to one thing needed to get Sam back. _Freedom_. 

If he could do anything that definitely meant he could pick through each and every reaper until he found Sam. He didn’t say goodbye to Dean however he probably should have when hours later a heavily intoxicated Dean stumbled out of the bunker to find burned wing marks on the ground stretching out from the cross on each side.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sam was nothing, felt nothing, thought nothing, was just _nothing_. There had been a flurry of activity and then nothing, nothing. Eternal nothing. He wasn’t even aware that there was nothing, that he had ever existed at all. 

Just nothing.

But then, there was something.

It seemed like hands were cradling nothing that had become something, the hold was firm but loving and shaking. What could have been fingers curled around the small speck of something in the nothing and began moving it away from that nothing and into more nothing, and more nothing and more nothing and more nothing and more nothing. The big something with hands’ lights flickered and waned, the edges crumbling away into nothing but it pressed on into the nothing.

Until there was something.

And then there was everything.

Sam felt everything, _everything_. He remembered, and saw and felt and thought, _everything_. Someone or something was holding him close and Sam instantly identified the ‘thing’ as Lucifer.

_Lucifer_. Sam’s mind sang in a whisper, a soothing caress to his frazzled and distressed mind. Sam closed his eyes and breathed in- he wasn’t breathing. How? What? Why wasn’t he breathing? Why couldn’t he breathe? Sam wanted to scream but found he had no voice and it was too much, he didn’t understand, he was confused and scared and Lucifer? Where was Lucifer?

_“I’m here, Sam, do not worry, this is new to you, just calm yourself, everything is fine, I promise”_ Something cool and warm all at once washed over him and cradled him gently. _'Grace'_ Sam’s mind helpfully put in, _'Lucifer’s grace'_. Did he have a mind? If he-

_“Sam, I love you, don’t think on it, let me explain, you’re a soul now, you died, heaven and the reapers sent you to the empty, I got you out before you were extinguished, so it’s okay now, I have you, we’re together now, I love you”_

_“I love you, too”_ An instant hit of warmth and love washed over them both and their entwined grace and soul sighed as one in bliss. Unaware of how long they stayed like this but worry soon snuck into their reunion.

_“What about Dean? Is he okay? Did he survive?”_ Lucifer sighed and moved his grace in a way that Sam interpreted as Lucifer rolling his eyes, it was both endearing towards Sam and irritated towards Dean. 

_“Dean is fine, Castiel has most likely already stopped his drinking, my little brother has probably tucked them away into their bed so Dean can sleep it off, I’ll take you to see them later, but for now, I wanted to share something with you”_ Sam curled curiously in Lucifer’s embrace

_“What is it?”_ Lucifer’s grace rumbled nervously but also with gleeful excitement. It reminded Sam of a shy child wanting to show off a painting they made. Sam's soul sunk into the flowing grace, he could of happily stayed in that moment forever, moving alongside Lucifer's grace, the feeling was mesmerising and connected him so wholly to the one he loved he could trace each emotion as it passed. 

_“You no longer have a human body, I knew you would be upset with this but there is something good about it, I can show you what I couldn’t before, look up, my love”_ Sam ‘looked’ up curiously only to be hit with utter awe as his ‘eyes’ were filled with nebulas and stars.

_“Lucifer, Lucifer it’s wonderful, no better, I can’t describe it, Lucifer, I love you”_ Sam rambled quietly in wonder and amazement as he tried to take in every inch, every colour, every shape, everything of what Lucifer was showing him. Lucifer’s grace moved happily around him, holding him close and nuzzling at his soul.

_“I’m so glad you like it, I’ve been waiting to show it to you for so long”_ Sam beamed, his soul shone brighter and he attempted to hold Lucifer as well, proving a challenge as the much smaller soul tried to hug the enormous body of grace. Lucifer chuckled and gave Sam small tendrils of his grace to smother with ‘kisses’ whilst the rest of him smoothed over him gently.

_“I was reading a particular line in the book you leant me when it happened, it had been bugging me for what seems more than an age, it was ‘It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything’, I don’t agree with it. When I lost you I lost everything but I wasn’t free, I felt more lost and trapped then I ever have in a long time, you are my freedom, Sam, you are my love, my life and without you beside me I feel as if there is nothing worth existing for at all, I love you, Sam, I love you so much”_ Sam’s soul fluctuated in brightness, his self-doubt existing even after death but his love for Lucifer was stronger.

_“I love you too, Lucifer, I love you more than I can put into words, thank you, thank you for saving me, thank you for loving me, thank you for everything, I love you”_ intertwining even closer than before they whispered love and praise to one another even though only the stars were around to listen.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They existed together amidst the stars and nebulas, sharing a comforting silence as they cradled each other close and watched the little speck of universe exist.

_“It makes you think though, doesn’t it?”_

_“What are you talking about?”_

_“What is freedom?”_

_“Sam, I swear to father…”_

_“Alright, dropping it”_

_“Good, save that discussion for later”_

_“… It really was romantic though, what you said”_

_“That was part of the point of it, Sam”_

_“I know, I love you”_

_“I love you too”_

**Author's Note:**

> Ta-da! My September RPCC fic! I was late signing up so there's only one fic this month, the months theme was famous quotes.


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